Fessing Up

I should note that I wasn't always the organic food eating, fancy cooking machine that I am now. I have not eaten chain fast food of any kind for at least 3 years, maybe more. I don't remember the last thing I ate, but I don't eat it any more, not even in airports, not even in foreign countries. Especially not in foreign countries. But I grew up on plenty of McDonald's and Taco Bell.

I remember when Taco Bell had two things on the menu: tacos and burritos, and two choices: meat or bean. Meat came in the yellow paper wrapper, and bean came in the white. It was delicious back then, a welcome treat. Back then (I won't say how far back then, but people who can now buy liquor weren't born yet) it was real food. Beans were beans. Cooked, seasoned, probably even a little lardy, but they were beans. Tortillas were tortillas. Meat was meat. Did you know that their beans have been made from reconstituted dehydrated bean powder for years? Who knows all the additives that are put into the stuff? Not to mention the daily mountains of waste generated from all of the disposable plastic and paper cups, straws and paper, and the disposable plastic and paper containers the pre-made food is shipped in before they dump it in the fryer or the cannibal-sized "bean" pot.

But as a kid, Taco Bell was a delicious, and probably nutritious treat. Note that I do not say "Taco Bell Food". No, when you "go get Taco Bell," you go get Taco Bell. They also gave out cartoon character and superhero glasses. Real glass. Pint-sized. Those lasted forever, and when they broke, besides being heartbroken, you could also recycle them.

In elementary school, my class went on a field trip to McD's, and we had a wonderful time. I can still conjure up that perfect balance of pickle, ketchup, and onion on the little burger I made myself. I have many fond memories of meals there with my grandparents. That was our date restaurant of choice when they took me out for a bite. When the arches still came through the ceiling into the lobby.

Lately, McDonald's has placed ads in magazines, aimed at mother types, claiming that they care more about your child's nutrition than you do. That's right, because little children will ask for fries and chicken McGarbage and sodas and sweet treats, even if Mommy takes them in there with the intent to get a salad for herself and apple slices and milk for them, which McD's has so lovingly and conscientiously provided. Once they have these pleasant McDonaldsy feelings about the place (gained from winning an epic battle of wills with Mommy in a public place, no doubt), they'll return there as teenagers and adults with newfound freedom and eat all the crap they want. It's easy, it's available, and it's cheap. Yeah, and admittedly, it does taste good. As long as you don't think about what's in it.

I don't know how to make a burrito taste like a fast-food burrito. (It's that SAUCE, that vinegary red enchilada-sauce-ish stuff. I don't know how they do it. And the metallic, finely pre-shredded cheese substance.) But I do know how to replicate a fast food burger. Not a fancy burger, just a plain, small burger. Just to keep you out of trouble if you happen to have a craving.

Faux Fast Food Burgers
Ingredients
Hamburger, formed into small patties
Small store-bought white buns, no seeds
White onion, finely diced
Dill pickle
Ketchup
Mustard, yellow
Salt

Tools
Pan
Knife
Parchment paper and/or kitchen towel

Method
Prepare your bun top: a scant teaspoon of finely diced white onion, about 2 tsp of ketchup, 1/2 tsp mustard (optional) and 3 slices of dill pickle.

Cook your burger in the method of your choice. Make sure the patty is no bigger than the bun, so that it is smaller than the size of the bun by about 1/2 inch all the way around when finished. If you grill, don't let it get charred. I prefer to make a thicker burger and then slice it in half horizontally, using one half of the meat on each burger. The important thing is to keep the meat to bun ratio low. Salt the burger on both sides.

Place hot burger in bun and quickly wrap in paper, then in kitchen towel so that the heat of the burger steams the bun. If you have a microwave, you can also put the wrapped burger in for 10-20 seconds.

Leave it there for a few more minutes and then see if that doesn't taste almost like the real fake thing.