The Second Rule of Self-Effacement Spanish

Dialogue from a dream

I'm driving in a car with my niece Kayleigh, after visiting a young friend of ours, Laura, whom I babysat when I was a teenager. Kayleigh is pretty (which she is) and wearing pink lip-gloss.

So how is Laura doing?

Kayleigh laughs.

I know, I'm pouncing on you in the car, where you can't get away, sorry.

It's ok.

It's just, I didn't know things were that bad. If I had known that she wasn't doing well, I would have wanted to be there for her.

Well, it's like The Second Rule of Self-Effacement Spanish.

The what? (I've always meant to learn more Spanish, I think.)

Whatever, it doesn't matter, The Second Rule of Self-Effacement Spanish: "The void creates the chaos."

That makes me feel very sad, I say, and raise my cupped hand to hide the ugly shape of my mouth as I start to cry.

It doesn't matter, she says in a matter-of-fact, slightly joking way, to try to make me feel better. We're all going to die in fifty years anyway, right?

I just wanted... I can't say it through the tears, but I'm thinking, I just wanted to lead a good life, to do the best I could. It didn't occur to me that my conscious absence was part of why things went so badly.