Loyal Gum Chewers

I thought about that phrase, "loyal gum chewers," and all I could picture was a gang of slack-jawed, flabby patriots convening under limp banners.

Fear not, Southern ladies! I do not (ever) chew gum in public, as long as you don't count the inside of my car as public. I never chew it at the store or in front of anyone other than Mike, or very, very close friends, inside the car or inside my private home.

And, for the record, I have been choosing Trident White or Orbit White lately, because they are in wrapper-free packaging AND they claim to whiten. I am all about maintaining the choppers.

Fessing Up

I should note that I wasn't always the organic food eating, fancy cooking machine that I am now. I have not eaten chain fast food of any kind for at least 3 years, maybe more. I don't remember the last thing I ate, but I don't eat it any more, not even in airports, not even in foreign countries. Especially not in foreign countries. But I grew up on plenty of McDonald's and Taco Bell.

I remember when Taco Bell had two things on the menu: tacos and burritos, and two choices: meat or bean. Meat came in the yellow paper wrapper, and bean came in the white. It was delicious back then, a welcome treat. Back then (I won't say how far back then, but people who can now buy liquor weren't born yet) it was real food. Beans were beans. Cooked, seasoned, probably even a little lardy, but they were beans. Tortillas were tortillas. Meat was meat. Did you know that their beans have been made from reconstituted dehydrated bean powder for years? Who knows all the additives that are put into the stuff? Not to mention the daily mountains of waste generated from all of the disposable plastic and paper cups, straws and paper, and the disposable plastic and paper containers the pre-made food is shipped in before they dump it in the fryer or the cannibal-sized "bean" pot.

But as a kid, Taco Bell was a delicious, and probably nutritious treat. Note that I do not say "Taco Bell Food". No, when you "go get Taco Bell," you go get Taco Bell. They also gave out cartoon character and superhero glasses. Real glass. Pint-sized. Those lasted forever, and when they broke, besides being heartbroken, you could also recycle them.

In elementary school, my class went on a field trip to McD's, and we had a wonderful time. I can still conjure up that perfect balance of pickle, ketchup, and onion on the little burger I made myself. I have many fond memories of meals there with my grandparents. That was our date restaurant of choice when they took me out for a bite. When the arches still came through the ceiling into the lobby.

Lately, McDonald's has placed ads in magazines, aimed at mother types, claiming that they care more about your child's nutrition than you do. That's right, because little children will ask for fries and chicken McGarbage and sodas and sweet treats, even if Mommy takes them in there with the intent to get a salad for herself and apple slices and milk for them, which McD's has so lovingly and conscientiously provided. Once they have these pleasant McDonaldsy feelings about the place (gained from winning an epic battle of wills with Mommy in a public place, no doubt), they'll return there as teenagers and adults with newfound freedom and eat all the crap they want. It's easy, it's available, and it's cheap. Yeah, and admittedly, it does taste good. As long as you don't think about what's in it.

I don't know how to make a burrito taste like a fast-food burrito. (It's that SAUCE, that vinegary red enchilada-sauce-ish stuff. I don't know how they do it. And the metallic, finely pre-shredded cheese substance.) But I do know how to replicate a fast food burger. Not a fancy burger, just a plain, small burger. Just to keep you out of trouble if you happen to have a craving.

Faux Fast Food Burgers
Ingredients
Hamburger, formed into small patties
Small store-bought white buns, no seeds
White onion, finely diced
Dill pickle
Ketchup
Mustard, yellow
Salt

Tools
Pan
Knife
Parchment paper and/or kitchen towel

Method
Prepare your bun top: a scant teaspoon of finely diced white onion, about 2 tsp of ketchup, 1/2 tsp mustard (optional) and 3 slices of dill pickle.

Cook your burger in the method of your choice. Make sure the patty is no bigger than the bun, so that it is smaller than the size of the bun by about 1/2 inch all the way around when finished. If you grill, don't let it get charred. I prefer to make a thicker burger and then slice it in half horizontally, using one half of the meat on each burger. The important thing is to keep the meat to bun ratio low. Salt the burger on both sides.

Place hot burger in bun and quickly wrap in paper, then in kitchen towel so that the heat of the burger steams the bun. If you have a microwave, you can also put the wrapped burger in for 10-20 seconds.

Leave it there for a few more minutes and then see if that doesn't taste almost like the real fake thing.

No. No. No.

Microwave Panini? Please, I beg of you, do not buy these things. There is something so anti-panini, so absolutely insane, about going to the store to get frozen, pre-packaged sandwiches already impressed with toaster marks, then popping them into the microwave at work. It's like buying microwave toast, or biscuits in a can. Ingenious food science, yes, something to feel good about? No. Just read the labels.

Get some nice vegetables, some slices of turkey breast or whatever, a little cheese, and toast your own sandwich. Put a little arugula on it, a drizzle of balsamic or a little Dijon mustard. It's going to taste so much better than these. You can get this basic George Foreman grill for twenty bucks, or you can use two frying pans and weight the top one with a can, the way Mama used to. Or, if you don't care, buy these things, call it a meal and break my heart. Crack open a can of Spaghettios while you're at it.

But what, you ask, am I going to do for a quick nutritious lunch at work? Well, you could always do the Burrito Factory. We used to do this on the weekends sometimes when we were both working outside the house. You'll need two packages of medium-sized flour tortillas, parchment paper (or foil, or plastic, but I don't want you microwaving those), a can or two of black beans, spiced to your liking, some salsa, creme fraiche or cheese if you like, and if you'd like meat in your burritos, boil up some boneless chicken thighs with a little onion. If you have kids, especially teenagers, enlist their help-- and make twice as much.

Mike and I would get all of our ingredients together and make a little assembly line: warm tortillas on the stove top (for easier folding), stack squares of parchment paper, open all of your cans, stir up the beans in a saucepan, and put spoons in everything. Put one tortilla on one square of parchment, place a couple of spoonfuls of beans, one of meat, salsa, cheese. Fold over one side, then the ends, then the other side, and roll the parchment tightly around it. Stack all of your burritos on a plate, tightly rolled. You can refrigerate just like this, or place in a zip-lock bag. Tasty, nutritious, wholesome, and best of all, fast. They heat up quickly and nicely in a microwave, a toaster oven, or even on a panini grill. You could do the very same thing with sandwiches if you wanted, making up a week's worth of your sandwich of choice on a Sunday afternoon, and just pack your own greens for inside. Maybe the office would be willing to go in on a little grill, and you could grill up your own homemade paninis, too. That would make me very happy.

Wow. This is Wrong for So Many Reasons

I picked up this link to Jezebel from Neatorama. Scroll down to the big picture and wait for the animation to load, then look at all the photoshopping it took to make a beautiful, normal woman into a magazine cover girl. That isn't even her real arm in the back! Her front arm has been reduced and extended-- if it was real, her arm would reach to her knees!

Yes, Even the Leopard Platforms

Good place for it. Put those back and get something sensible, would you?

The American Dream in a Nutshell

Leave it to good ol' Pacific Union College, home of the squeaky clean Adventist education, to make that final leap and remind us why higher education is worth it. All the Cinnabons your little heart desires. This was posted above the escalator in a mall.

How Do You Like Them Apples? I Don't.

Dear Stoneridge Orchards,
Stoneridge Orchards sounds very farmy and wholesome. Imagine my surprise when I opened the package of "Dried Granny Smith Apple Wedges" and found that they were coated with sugar, dextrose, citric acid, malic acid, ascorbic acid and sunflower oil. Yes, they are technically speaking "all natural" but they are certainly not au naturel.

I should have been wary when I read the medallion on the front which highlighted the fact that they were made from "freshly hand-picked apples" (what else would they be made of?)...which are then dried and apparently covered in sugar. I was making granola, and I had already put in as much brown sugar as I wanted, so I had to rinse the sugar off of the cut-up apples and bake it more so that they'd dry out.

My gripe is not that you choose to put sugar on the apples. Some people might like that. I would just like to have been warned. How about putting "Sweetened Dried Granny Smith Apple Wedges" on your packaging in the future?

Thank you,
Tamara Landre

Eat Me

Have you seen the new M&M commercials? Is it just me, or are M&Ms with hair a bad idea? Somehow my brain could accept them with little arms and legs, but the hair is ookie.
Hair + food = hair in mouth = bad.

On their site "Planet M&M's" (sic) you can create your own custom-designed candies, and even make a virtual candy that looks like yourself. (That's delicious yellow peanut me above.)

I have to hand it to them for creativity. This is only one of the many games/activities available on Planet M&M. A) it's pretty ridiculous that someone spent this much time (can you even imagine the hours logged?) creating such an interactive site for a $1.00 candy. B) it's pretty damn smart that someone just got me to spend time hanging out with their product. I don't spend 3 seconds looking at an ad in a magazine (unless it's for something I really need, ok?) but in spite of the fact that I think that hair on candy is gross, I remembered their commercial, I sought out their website, and I made myself into a candy-coated chocolate.

As my wine marketing instructor (and founder of Balzac Communications) Paul Wagner would ask, "Yes, but DOES IT SELL CANDY?" I don't know, does it?

In Case Your Junk Drawer is Full

I've always wondered where to put these when I was finished with them. Thanks, IKEA!

Damn Right It's Invisible

Does anyone else have this problem? I go to Staples (which I much prefer to Office Depot, by the way) and I am looking for TAPE. The problem is, every box is labeled STAPLES. Finding staples is equally difficult, because you have to look carefully at each box to make sure it IS actually STAPLES. Maybe it's just me.

Sorry for the crap picture. I figured it wasn't worth trying to get a great artistic shot, but I think it should at least be clear. I'll try again.

Mmmm, I Feel Smothered Already

Be Careful with Not Honest Website

"Dear customer, why would you believe a company offer a 3-5 Yrs warranty without "Brand Named" battery, by the time you have problem with the battery, they will said, " This battery doesn't belong to them!". Good Luck! 800mAh is highest capacity on this battery, other website have mention 1500mAh, those are false advertising. This battery case can't fit 1500mAh module inside of this case. So be careful with false advertisment and not honest website!" Oh, please to buy battery from you, honorable website!

Priceless

Prunes might also be helpful. Yes, I personally snapped this picture at the Shell station on Trancas in Napa today. I'd love to hear caption ideas!